The lost art of solitude
Solitude — being alone by choice, and enjoying it — is a skill that's been eroded by the always-on phone culture. Most people now can't sit with themselves for 10 minutes without reaching for a screen. The result: they're never truly alone (the phone is always there) and never truly rested (the scrolling is numbing, not restorative).
Real solitude is different. It's being alone without the numbing — and it's one of the most important wellbeing practices there is.
How to develop the skill
1. Start with 15 minutes
Sit without your phone for 15 minutes. No scrolling, no podcast, no background TV. Just you. It will feel uncomfortable at first — that's the withdrawal from constant stimulation. Sit with it. It passes.
2. Do something restorative, not numbing
Solitude isn't the absence of activity — it's the presence of a restorative one. Read, cook, walk, write, garden. The activity should engage you, not numb you.
3. Make it chosen
The difference between solitude and isolation is choice. If you're alone because you can't face the logistics of seeing people, that's isolation. If you're alone because you chose it, that's solitude. The intention is everything.
4. Keep connection available
Solitude is only restorative if connection is available when you want it. If you're alone because you have no one to call, it's isolation. If you're alone but could make a plan in 5 minutes (via your findatime link), it's chosen — and that makes all the difference.
Frequently Asked Questions
How much solitude is healthy?
It varies, but most people benefit from at least 30 minutes a day of genuine solitude — not scrolling, not working, just being. The key is that it's chosen.
What if I'm an extrovert and hate being alone?
Then your solitude might be shorter — 10 minutes, not an hour. But the skill is still valuable: the capacity to be with yourself, even briefly, makes you a better friend (less needy) and a happier person (less dependent on others for regulation).
How do I know if I'm in solitude or isolation?
Ask: "If I wanted to see a friend right now, could I?" If yes, and you're choosing not to — solitude. If no, or "it's too much effort" — isolation. The fix for isolation is a system that makes connection easy (like a shared link).