The two lives of an expat
When you move abroad, you start living two lives. There's the new life — the new city, the new friends, the new job, the daily reality of where you are. And there's the old life — the people back home who knew you before, who share your history, who are the thread connecting you to who you were before the move.
The new life is exciting and all-consuming. The old life is important and easy to neglect. And the reason it's easy to neglect isn't that you care less — it's that maintaining it requires effort that your new daily life doesn't leave much room for.
The expats who stay grounded — who don't lose themselves in the new place — are the ones who figure out how to keep the home friendships alive without making it feel like a second job.
The three challenges of expat friendship
1. The timezone gap
Every interaction requires timezone conversion. "Let's call this weekend" becomes a math problem. "I'm free evenings" means nothing without context — your evenings might be their middle of the night. The cognitive cost of scheduling creates a barrier that builds up over time.
2. The context gap
Your friends back home don't know your new life. They don't know your new coworkers, your new neighbourhood, your new routines. Every conversation requires context-setting that doesn't exist with local friends. This isn't a problem — it's just a cost, and it's a cost that makes you less likely to reach out when you're tired.
3. The guilt gap
Every month that goes by without a proper catch-up adds to the guilt. "I should call them" becomes "I should have called them months ago" becomes "it's been so long that calling feels like a big deal." The guilt becomes its own barrier — not because they'd be upset, but because you feel like you've been a bad friend.
The expat friendship playbook
1. Eliminate the timezone math
The single highest-impact change you can make is to stop doing timezone calculations. With findatime, you mark your free hours in your local time, your friend marks theirs in their local time, and the app shows you the overlap in your time. No math. No "wait, what time is it for you?" The barrier drops from "I need to calculate" to "I just tap my free times."
2. Set up recurring calls
The biggest mistake expats make is treating every catch-up as a one-off that needs to be scheduled from scratch. Instead, find a recurring slot — every other Sunday morning, for example — and protect it. Recurring plans survive because they don't require the "should we book something?" negotiation every time. You just show up.
3. Lower the bar
You don't need a 90-minute video call to maintain a friendship. A 15-minute phone call on a Tuesday evening is enough. The goal is frequency over duration — short, regular contact beats rare, long catch-ups. When the bar is low enough, the calls actually happen.
4. Share the mundane stuff
The conversations that keep friendships alive aren't the big life updates — they're the small ones. What you had for lunch, the weird thing a coworker said, the weather. These are the threads that make you feel present in each other's lives. Send them. Don't wait for a "worthwhile" update.
5. Use "keen" instead of "let's schedule"
The pressure of scheduling a cross-timezone call is what kills it. "Are you free next Saturday?" feels like a commitment. But if you can just mark yourself "keen" on a few time slots and let your friend do the same, the plan emerges when there's an overlap — without anyone having to be the one who chases.
6. Visit intentionally, not accidentally
When you go home, don't leave the catch-ups to chance. Before you land, share your availability with the people you want to see. They mark their availability, you see the overlaps, and you can fill your visit with real plans instead of last-minute "are you free today?" messages.
A system that works
- Once a week, update your findatime availability with your free hours for the next two weeks (in your local time).
- Share your link with your home friends once. They do the same.
- When there's an overlap, you both see it. Tap "I'm Keen" on the times that work.
- When you're both keen, one tap confirms it.
- No "when are you free?" messages. No timezone math. No guilt.
Frequently Asked Questions
How often should expats call friends back home?
There's no rule, but any regular contact — even once a month — is enough to keep a friendship alive. The key is consistency, not frequency. A monthly call you actually keep beats a weekly call you keep cancelling.
How do I stop feeling guilty about not keeping in touch?
Guilt is a sign the relationship matters to you — that's good. The fix isn't to feel less; it's to make reaching out easier. If you share your availability once and let the overlap find you, the guilt dissolves because the plan happens on its own.
What if my friends back home don't understand my new life?
They don't need to understand everything — they just need to know you're still you. Share the small stuff, not just the big updates. The mundane details keep you present in each other's lives, even when the context has changed.
Should I visit home regularly?
If you can, yes — but make it intentional. Share your availability before you land, so you can fill your visit with real plans instead of leaving it to chance. A visit with three proper catch-ups beats a visit where you "didn't manage to see anyone."